a part of me will always be with you

Eh....Am Back!!

2004-10-26T19:21:00.000-07:00

am going....

2004-08-17T22:41:00.002-07:00

k, so I'm writing this entry a little earlier than normal (okay like three hours earlier) because I want to get to sleep early so I can start the day off fresh.
im planning on going to london at the end of August and i arrive at the Hearthrow Airport on August 23 at 06:20 am and then heading to the imperial hotel at Russell Square.. I am hoping to meet lots of people and have the time of my life. I am very adventurous and would love to do some windsurfing, surfing, rock climbing, jungle trecks... Also, lots of lounging on the beach and maybe a few drinks ...Counting down the days, can't wait - only 5 days left!cross channel ferry going to Paris to Lyon to Barcelona...those 17 countries in 45days...
hmmm...good times good times. Well I have to go, I wanna see if I can read some of the republic before I go to bed.ttyl G'Night!!!

http://www.cyworld.com/kathikellycat

your smlie would make me sneeze...

2004-07-18T08:01:00.000-07:00

fuuuk yea its aall guud jus now im on a bit of a high cos its all goin ok and even though i dont know how long it will last im happy just now for just now atleast
i feel like i want to stay and get along and maybe make it to 23

fuck it im gonna! yea stuff has been draggin me down recently but its all gettin back in order and it may last for more than a day so i can sort myself out :)

mite have more time for this now!

yeh...I finnaly sort of understand it all,its makin a bit of sense. kinda coming together. slowly. but i dont really know. im not so sore of everything there are no garuntees about nething nothing is at all certain and i have to just sit it out if i can.
*just have to stare at brian to keep me going.*

i an coonfused about a lot of things and im at that point were i just wand to talk to someone the confusion in my head is too familiar i know what comes next and all too soon. and the thing is there is someone i could just talk to but I dont feel comfortable doing that after the conversation (not that i really want to any way) coz as i say their smile causes me to have a jerk reaction that is not too good,its a systimatic response that i go through and really shouldnt and it solves nothing. ever. but never mind all that.

i will go and find somthing to do and make some toast coz i need breakfast to stop me talkin all this crap!

oh danm,I forgot to say.u know my best buddy josh jus came back here and told me i shouild so i will!
hmm in an ok mood jus now but dont know how long it will last can feel some bad stuff coming how cheery is that!

ahhh! i have to go already!

xxx

hows everyone doin...

2004-07-16T17:47:00.000-07:00

I have been in a funk - I suppose that is to be expected when summer comes and the work you had planned does completely pan out - but i am tired of feeling like I have to complain about it all the time - To seek out the opinions of my friends and to pour my heart out. Most of what i have been carrying has been about them anyways - but I cannot talk to them about themselves - so i talk about my friends and how their situation hurts me with my other friends.

This is stupid.

I need to confront those who need to be confronted and move on. I need to put people who are asking too much of me for what they give on the spot. I need to be a better friend and let them deal with their own shit so I can deal with mine.

Work first. i have to get some gigs and put some money in the bank - This is easier said than done but i had optimism and a plan at the end of the schoolyear that got derailed - And I just have to get back on that path. So it starts now - From now on I think positive - and not just positive that i will fail. hah...

well finally schools out and few ppl are started talking about a vacation...I might be going to visit some of my friends to roma .something is always going on. there are a lot of things... I just can't imagine how it might be in the summer lol I've never met this Italian guy called antonio in a person before but he invited me to visit him for some fine ska concerts and walkin along the beach sides holding an ice cream carefully in one hand having a good conversation...I just cant wait...lol

currently I've met a goddanm lot of new ppl, I met some interesting people, the meetup was great, the people I met were wonderful ... I got a lot of new information and met some coolest ppl I've ever seen.I'm so fucken stoked that I met them lol

I cannot possibly name them all but am gonna write a little about somebody for the most memorable stories...

I can not forget about the grand day out with Cozie we had some real quality time as well.he's from ireland and I used to love the deep burly irish voice until now.!!he got the tone and stuff...lol he talks in a strong irish english accent.even I thought he could
speak in Russian when he said "I lovish.." isnt it sounds like russian "Ty ljubish" ? it was 'I love' as in english...*g* he told me the stories about his childhood and so many interesting things!!that night we met Raul while walking down the street so I introduced him to Raul.and the very next day cozie said nothing about Raul but Raul...I dont care what he said to me coz I still think he as a nice guy.Raul just turned out being a fucked up asshole all of a suden I coundnt understand why but he asked me to come over and started naughty stuff on his lips before returned back to his homeland for the holiday.anyway Cozie have a plan for the great wall this summer...I'd love to join but I dont think I can go back there for this summer time
even tho I miss my school,my mates,my professors a lot and everything u know I cant believe but I do also miss the goddanm crowded poachers at st.sanlitor and a double shit of things that I used to complain of...

James smsed me last week suddenly and said 'hows it goin anyway I saw u last week*^^* H hotel last wednesday' I didnt noticed him but he seemed he did...lol that night I danced on the stage as a dancing queen under the joint auspices of the party and afterward he asked me out the very next day and I could have chance to see him.he used to serve in the US military in korea and identify himself as a mixed with American and Korean from Cali USA and currently stationed around my area in Rheinland.he also loves dance and did ask me showin him how to belly dance...lol while I was work out at the gym a couple of guys came and said hello to me.one o them is german one called Robert and another one is from the states named Steve.Steve asked me for dinner so me and one of my friends Wendy and one of his friends Dereck joined with us.Rober. however does speak korean fluently and even surprised me by some korean slangs which I've never heard of...such as 'ddal ddal yi' ummm tell the truth I've heard of it once from Kadir which is usually using sorta masculine word usually used among the guys.he knows better than myself even taught me some korean traditional habits and said it was his very very first time to teach such things for someone from korea...haha...he even knows what Jajak is...later he said he has been living in korea for about 10years now and works at the Arirang TV that is the only Korean world network which provides Korea's traditions, cultures, news and documentaries in English..he teaches Korean for foriegners who learn the korean language...he talks as a korean sometimes he asked twice when he didnt get...however we thought we'd better having a conversation in english...lol he invited me and his friend dereck so 3 of us got to his place.it was clean and ummm...nice *g* he treated us the great dequila which he've got it from mexico by a friend.it tasted so soft and the smell was not strong at all...dereck never danced just watched me how I dance...steve...was very funny with dancing I thought he was doing some kungfu at first..haha....I started feel the rythm rock my body...blah blah...lata...steve asked me for come to his place.he has an empty room so I can use it but he acted so fucken weird...he needed something more...I thought I should talk about something...he understood me finally and I got him as well...someone says I a wonderful ability for tide a over crisis when it comes to a guy!!!yeh I think so too

Jamal aka Jamat here he comes...he looks like Nick Carter from BSB.I just put his pix bellow so you should check it out and tell me what you think...lol

andreas müller I also do have photos of him and put em up to my page so you can see em bellow...he...saw my pix and emailed me and said something like 'hy biscj fit?du bisch soo mega sexy und erotisch eifach dr hammer muess würklich säge sooo beauty' he told me that he lives in Solothurn so I think I'd better be going over to the andy's before school starts...there are two more guys I'd mention about...a russian guy Dimi and a french guy Nico hebut I will bring both of em sometime later.I don't have a lot to talk about this yet but lets see whats going on here with the two...

I think I need a little change of pace just depressing piece about my hang ups and you can never tell when I'll leap into your way..haha! soaking myself in dancing these days.u know I do more than just delight in it I devilish love it so decided taking jazz&belly dance over and over again.and Hassan is a good case of my dance teacher and a sweet friend of mine who danced bellydance over 20years and always try to take care of me and he said when I go at the H,just throw his name around a bit that will get their attention so I tried it last week and it worked out very well,hehe. however im really happy that he got everything real...

don't try to tell me this is all a phase. perhaps i've overused the term, but it's been used on me so many times, i've grown accustomed to it.

the thought has crossed my mind many times, and although there is evidence that it isn't true, for example of atheism, evidence doesn't always prove theories. i've spent my 20 years and one day listening to people tell me who i am and who i should be. and, against all of my principles, i've bought into it.

no more.

i am who i am. and if in two years who i am changes, it still isn't a phase. it's still me, just a more evolved version. the bantering in this world, courtesy of politicians and religious icons, scared me out of being completely honest with myself. i have to accept who i am no matter what. i dont think i'm being melodramatic when i say i have enough to deal with (we all do)...i don't need to hate myself for something i can't control. i can hate myself for being too lazy to get on a treadmill. i can hate myself for eating pizza and drinking soda too often. i can hate myself if i treat people in a shitty and improper manner. but i can't hate myself for this.

it's only hard because i make it hard for myself (but that still doesn't make it easy). many people don't believe in transition. they believe in a change of a channel, a change in the winds, the skipping of their least favorite song. i do believe in transition. though i also believe that the transitional period i went through is the discovery of others. it's not up to me to tell people who they are.

and it's not up to you to tell me who i am.

do i believe in exceptions? yes. very few. but sometimes the journey itself is the destination. i'm not trying to tell you that i will be this way forever. i think it will fluctuate. everyone fluctuates. it's part of this horrendous experience we call "life".

i'm going to get a head start.

people spend their whole lives trying to make meaning of themselves. i'm finding meaning now. YES, it WILL change. but i'm not afraid of that. my life contains many random spurts of rapid change. i'm used to it.

i'm going to tell you straight up. i'm going to be brutally honest. and anything you say to me isn't going to convince me that this is a phase. it's not.

i'm a gal who is into boys deeply. and there's nothing you (or i) can do about it. lol

am gonna writing about what i need so danm badly and what i got so far...lol

1.i need a IBM ThinkPad R50 laptop coz my old one is broken down ;-(

2.hip skirts for bellydance performance

3.le premier parfum de lolita lempicka , l'eau d'issey issey miyake , the concord la scala watch and all the beauty buzz

1.i got a new digital camera finally broke free from my 3 year old 5mp and WOW I love it.I got a kenox alpha 5 ,8x optical zoom and a 256 mb memory card,It's performed very well so far even though I've only figured out a few of the 1000's of option settings!

2.i got a mp3 camera phone.but i have to check something if i can still use it here..

3.i got a IRiver MP3 Player ,IRiver iFP-395 ;512MB i just cant live without music and both of my walk-man, CD player are not working anymore...

4.i got this 14K jewelry set features a flower necklace and matching post earrings with 14K gold petals and pink cubic zirconia in the center and 7 sets more....wooohhhoo!

bogos

andreas mueller

Jamal aka Jamat of 2002

Dmitriy

this is why u wait til marriage! - this is so crazy baby, be sure to stroll it down to read it..

A SOLDIER RECEIVED A LETTER FROM HIS GIRLFRIEND, BUT HE COULDN'T SHOW IT TO
HIS FRIENDS, BECAUSE SHE SIGNED IT "MOTHER", AND THIS IS WHAT SHE WROTE:

M- IS FOR THE MANY TIMES WE DID IT.
O- IS FOR THE OTHER TIMES WE TRIED.
T- IS FOR THE TERRIFIC TIMES WE HAVE.
H- IS FOR THE HOTEL WE WENT TO.
E- IS FOR THE EASY WAY WE WENT.
R- IS FOR THE RHYTHM WE HAD.
THAT SPELLS "MOTHER" AND THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO BE IN 9 MONTHS.

HE WROTE BACK AND THIS IS WHAT HE SAID:
F- IS FOR THE FUCKED UP LETTER YOU SENT ME.
A- IS FOR THE ASS YOU ARE.
T- IS FOR THE TROUBLE YOUR IN.
H- IS FOR THE HOE YOU REALLY ARE.
E- IS FOR THE EASY WAY YOU GAVE IT UP.
R- IS FOR THE ROMANCE WE NEVER HAD.
AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M THE FATHER. AND THIS IS WHAT I THINK OF THE BABY:

B- IS FOR THE BABY WITHOUT A FATHER.
A- IS FOR THE ABORTION YOU BETTER GET.
B- IS FOR THE BASTARD HE OR SHE WILL BE.
Y- IS FOR THE "YES" WHEN YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID "NO".

SHE REALIZED THAT SHE FORGOT A FEW THINGS IN THE FIRST LETTER....SO SHE WROTE
THE DICKLESS FAGGOT BACK AND THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID:

B- IS FOR THE BEEF YOU HAD WITH ME.
E- IS FOR THE EATING YOU DID.
S- IS FOR THE GOOD PUSSY YOU SUCKED.
T- IS FOR THE TIMES I GOT YOU HARD.

F- IS FOR THE FUNNY MADE DICK YOU HAVE.
R- IS THE THE RASH ON YOUR ASS.
I- IS FOR THE INTERCOURSE THAT WAS BORING.
E- IS FOR THE ENERGY FOR YOU TO CUM.
N- IS FOR THE NASTY ASS DOG YOU ARE.
D- IS FOR THE DAD YOUR GOING TO BE.
AND THAT SPELLS "BESTFRIEND" AND THAT'S WHO I WAS FUCKIN WHILE YOU WERE AWAY.

yeh thats me!!

2004-07-04T00:30:00.000-07:00

I've heard that truly loving another means letting go of all expectations so many times and I know it means full acceptance even celebration of another's personalhood.but it seems yet far from being understood by heart.Nicky and I were never really boyfriend and girlfriend.he is two and a half years older than I.and the may after got home from newyork he started asking if I wanted to go to a late afternoon movie with him,I wanted to say yes but then I would get this jumpy feeling in my stomach and always change my mind.his blue eyes looked into mine.both pleasing and frightening me.gradually I stayed longer in his car talking about things that troubled me.currently a lot of my pain centered around my relationship with jamal and raul.who I mostly had hung out with for awhile.we used to go clubbing and enjoying dancing together or sat by the river sides,holding a bottle of beers and chatting,laughing and having a good time together.it had been countinued before I realized that they were making a fucken dupe of me.well I thought Jamal was shit hot and Raul said he does like me more than one of our friends Everly.however I knew Jamal was interested in me and we started talking on the phone or on MSN and emailing each other nearly everyday.or sometimes we both went out for just walking around and finding a place,talking for hours and sharing sometime together.I loved the feeling when he was holding me tight in his arms...especially I loved sitting on him!!I thought he has a good personality and sweet voice.once in a way he waited me somewhere outside for goddanm two hours or something and said he did it only for me!!when I disappear in his sight,he'd call my name..."where's cathy?" sometimes or mostly he was dig at me in a funny way.asking me like "cathy ya.neo o-nul na-han-te ja-ggu wae-gu-rae?!?" thats only he can make a flying tackle with me.and I used to say back in an annyoing way "nae-ga mol?sh'to ja skajala?" but I've never had any hateful feeling for that.I thought he was cute and I wanted to be his special person and he said he loves me..when I said something like "ja tebja ljublju" he tenderly responded "ja tebja toje ljublju".when I met him for the first time.he introduced himself as a 22year-old amerussian germany born from cali USA.and he was learning korean.thats why he speaks in English,Russian and some of German and Korean. and Raul and Jamal were chums with eachother and I was seeing Jamal by Raul.later he's turk bros told me that his real name is kadir and is only 16 born in else where and there are much more behind stories...I am not talking about only age thing.he just fooled with me,took my pure heart away with him and never give it back.he has lost many wonderful friends by blown everything wide open but he still lies firmly even to his own parents...i wish he wouldnt do that. why would he do that?i dont understant him.i just dont care nemore. ive given up caring just like he gave up trying. and that was a long time ago. TRUST means a tremendous lot to me.which is,once lost,is never to be recovered.he might missed something inside...the long stories will take time so I will cut this off by now...and blah blah...I thought we could be life long friends but I was wrong.its what they meant to be or not they completely cheated on me and made a fool of me as hella story tellers or something!I dont care anymore by the way.3 of us now get scattered however.and I've learning something from this shit.mighty few friends can be relied on in this world and a friend is easter lost than found.my heart somewhat gets broken and god's sake,I can take my love and peace back!!there were another friends and a special guy goes by the name Nicky.so I could talk with him about all this and I begin to trust him.as time passed I was ready to go to the movie with him.we also enjoyed hanging at my place where we would go up to the television room upstairs so that I could cuddle with him on the couch.we were a strange pair even he was asking me for go out sometime.he loved sports while I loved the arts.I just thought we have nothing in common.ecept for the music and party stuff.Nicky dates other girls and I go out with other boys.I got counfused by hearing his words that he loves me even though Nicky reassured me many times that our relationship is special by saying "it doesnt matter whether or not I have a girlfriend or you have a boyfriend.I will always there for you" I still got jealous when I saw him interested in someone else.no one have understood the bond between us.its funny that I say im not sure either about what we're doing until today of this feeling a current of love go through me when I see him however it is and it happens and will always be there...100 percent for sure!!im happy now at least I got someone who is sincere,trustworthy and cares about me and understands me.and he knows everything since 2002.I'd thank him from the bottom of my heart for having such a sworn fellow like himself.

I dont know what it is but I seem to add a lot of emoition to everything I talk about - I mean its one thing to have an opinion and yet another to express it - but you you are trying to emphasis things for sake of coveying the history (good or bad) that comes with the story - you put way more out there than you should. It tends to freak people out and sometimes this is OK - but it is not necessary in a friendly environment. I dunno. I think I am a little TOO opinionated and as such want to let everyone know about everything. So a short story is not possible. And that is just plain dangerous. You scare away clients and you scare away women.

LESSON: If you cannot keep it to yourself, keep it short. (And dont bring it up again!)

I do know now what I have to do over here.I should do it all by myself and I am not afraid of things any more...I had to leave my first job,my boyfriend of 3 and a half years and my great buddies of long standing. and try to start a new life!! and well...it is in my first period accounting class where I first saw him.he is tall.trim and really good looking.he has the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen.he was sitting just three seats away from me in the same front row of class. feeling I had nothing to lose.I decided to talk to him "Hi,my name is Aarlena whats yours?" focussing my attention on this blue eyed boy.he loked behind him,not believing that I could be asking him for his name."Eric" he responded quietly "Na wie gehts,eric" I smiled and said salut in german.he said he's been here for a half year now and works as kinda a model and is preparing for the DSH in september oh yeah?either I do...we become very close friends,my relationship with my boyfriend in sweden had became less important to me.I felt my bond with Eric growing stronger,taking the place of my relationship with Justin.Eric understands that I need to move slowly and he is always very patient with me.I am really having fun with all of my new sweet buddies but I missed something inside.dont know actually what it is but I think I do.we triple dated with two of his jork friends and their dates.it was hilarious and last night me and Eric were at a g-string party for the very first time.it'd never my type of party,ever...I didnt enjoy it rather than just waste my time over there.all I can do was drinking and dancing..and watching their dirty butts and naghty bodies.I should do something worthy than having a party every night.my parents still worry about me and they will probably dont let me having a party if they knew that im doing..haha so yeh...my turn about to come around.had a coulpe of choices to take off my clothes to be naked out of danm crowd or drinking some strong alcohol.so I have 2 shots of dequila one after another and you got the idea...I was like fuck the rest and turned to be a tipsy.yeh I was goddanm loaded...well I cant believe I am so danm fucken week wine.hell yeah it makes sence now that I am my daddy's daughter..ha!just as like my pop.I am fucken proud of myself being a teetotaler.shiiiiiiiit....thanks dad!

Jesus christ!!fuck you very much for offering honey baby..I know now most of guys are like animals.I'd name em BEAST or something huh?never mind...so anyway please keep this in ur mind!too bad that I dont play the shit and dont have fucken time for it either and I hate the players,mind gamers,liars,smokers or any drug users,cybers,sick fuck sexual offenders and egoists,creep assholes or any motherfuckers out there!do never try to fuckin bother me or something else.just get out of my life because I think I can not possibly be a drinking pal,fuck buddy,dance partner,trancher companion,useless chatter or the like only for having fun or killing time together as like most guys think a woman does.but I dont...I was a very open minded chick who could have fun with anybody but it will goes to someone else not anymore for anyone...and I think I should think before make friends so that I can save my feeling instead of getting hurt by suckers.when I was young I worried too much about loosing a good friend and now I am worring about someone's gonna using me or playing some dirty stuff with me.I truly believe what I think now..I will never lose a true friend in a day!!Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus

Summer!!!

2004-05-24T19:30:00.000-07:00

ok..so it is already my first day or well has been but i havent had time to like get on and type. I have like been bussy packing cause im going to visit some friends over the Europe and gotta move to Germany. I was posed to go to Russia this summer but we decided not to cause my buddies rnt going and all that will be there will be only people like my best buddy sasha's great grandma and great aunts so were not going. But anyways life has been pretty kewl. I havent had any run ins with certian people so im happy. anyways, Like i think the only bad thing about this summer is im gonna have to miss Mike but u know i get to go to long springs and if i stayed here i would only get to go to Mike sunday anyway cause my dad couldnt take off and i would only see phillip, who lately wont even call me so im kinda pissed at that right now. but yea so if i go to Sweden then i get to see my baby boy Justin and his sis Tiffany and my other friends so im happy. It all equals out. Sorry i havent typed in so long like i was so fucken busy and then get pissed off at some people not to mention any names (coff coff Chris Davis coff) ANYWAYS. like im a katt lady and no not haw i act, i am thinking about dying my hair blonder. and i am tanning so i will be like dark by the time i go to band camp. oh and like i am looseing weight, its all kewl. im like gonna look soooooooooooooooooooooo much better when marching season rolls around. AND IM NOT A FRESHMEN ANY MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAAAAAAAAA. sorry i had to get that out. next years gonna rock. Were gonna compete with the juniors for second place in the home comming competition, cause everyone knows that the real compettetion is between sophmores, and juniors. like freshmen always loose, and seniors always win so they only judge us. So its gonna be something to work at and have fun with. And as everyone now know I MADE MAJORETTE, so yet another reason i am just gonna love next year. Anyways, im so hopeing that i wont have to like hang round any men anymore. I have decided that all he is a lying asshole and i want nothing to do with him. And to all of u who associate with Robert, i hope that u will see the shit he has pulled with me and u will reconsider to be his friend, i never listended to my friends when they tryed to tell me how he was, and i had atlease 6 people tell me, not including my mom and people from my reenacting unit, ALL OF WHICH SAID HE IS BAD BAD BAD TROUBLE STAY AWAY, but i didnt and i though i liked him, but i though wrong. That was just a warnning to the wise, and for those who dont want the warnning then im sorry u still want to associate with an ASS. Anyways there i go im happy now. I gots that outs my system. Anyways i will like be going to somewhere tommorw so i prob wont write in my diary for about a week or two, i am comming back thursday, but friday i got to run arrends, and like some other stuff, and saturday is my date,meet up with Matthrew at the amuse park, and were going to spend the night with some other buddies after the picnic and get up sunday mornning and go to the bar with Min-a. so basically im gonna be sepnding the weekend in party mode with 'em. So by the time i get back i will be working on getting my stuff cleaned for long springs that weekend after the picknic and majorette stuff like pratic and shit like that, so i dont know. but I promise there might be way to many enteries after this even i dont have a free weekend AT ALL tho. and like i have tuesday, thursday pratices and dance team camp and all kinds of stuff. so i am like basically bussy every day till getting moved to germany and then im gonna be bussy till january if then now after my junior year has started i have had no time EVER. but im not compalining. anyways i got to go finnish packing. ill c yall latterz. get ahold of me and well hang out guys cause ill need the mental and physical break, we will just have to pencil u in on my callander (if thats possible) anyways. ttyl guys. LOVE YALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

THE MOODS OF A MAN

Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.

2004-05-11T01:48:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most? Saying something and wishing you hadn't?, or Saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say.Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do, they might break your heart...if you don't, you might break theirs. Have u ever decided not 2 become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person? Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't. You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own........when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to. Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you? Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all. Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger. Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had. * What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say good-bye? *What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there? *What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt? (even if it is that you don't care anymore) *What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them? *What would you do if you never got the chance to say I am friends with all of my family and they know I love them?* People live, but people die. I want to tell you that you are a friend. If you died tomorrow (God Forbid) you would bein my heart. Would I be in yours? If you care about me as much as I care about you you will send this back You might be best friends one year, pretty good friends the next year, don't talk that often the next, and don't want to talk at all the year after that. So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life, I look up to you, respect you, truly cherish you , most of all I CARE a whole lot of my family and friends!!!

(this is Kolja...Sasha's best buddy and became mine too,lol !!)

(he's also very kind,loving and caring,sasha does speak a bit of English and mandarin but this dude only speaks to me in russian all the time! )

(haha...the both look so funny huh? more pix lata...!!!)

i'm home

2004-05-01T01:18:00.000-07:00

Arrived safely in seoul. Having a wonderful time...I'm heading off to Deutschland saturday 5th june...

I would like clothing that is desinged to fit me rather than super models.and still love to learn more about developing and creating clothing and accessories and guess what.I just desinged myself an orange-red butterfly hot pantie for the very first time,finally!!Im not thinking to get this done damn professionally or even those work purposes just fun.lol...i really love thoes home-made clothes and have decided to try and then have started making clothing,actually I only drawed it and my aunt was done sewing this for me so u know what i am wearing now??yeah im wearing in my art,I bet this will be the only one thing in the whole world......anyway I'm gonna design another one for juju.(like for up-comming x-mas).I guess it is truely unique gift either for him or myself. he likes cats and elephants so....you'll see what am gonna make for him!!;-) he told me that he'd really love for his underwear to be desinged by me!!up to now I myself seem like a private fashion designer...hehe! wish me making it even more than beautiful!!!

Why Yelling at a Man Doesn't Work

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean it up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT

2004-04-24T02:11:00.000-07:00

First of all, I'd like to start with a hilarious little story about my trip around bayside area to the bus stop this morning. LoL To make a long story short, two male ducks, one female. You can guess the rest. Right by the bus stop. Charlie stood there staring and yelled "OH MY GOD." I couldn't walk all the way down the street I was laughing so hard. Anywho. The rest of this entry is gonna be kinda mad. Or very. now that I am over here in queens I feel absolutely at home.lol...and its been ages since i've been in this fine orage town!!young oppa still lives in the same apartment with a new roommate.It's not that cool, but it's not as bad as it may seem.hehe...so we took a bunch of pictures while we were there so...PICS will be up when I got sometime for it..well I dont' have long to write it.

I dont' really like conflict, but I must kick Daniel's ass now. I wonder how Nora, Hillary, Jeff, and Steve will take the news. hmmmm I dont' know, but Daniel's a frickin asshole.
I don't know what the hell has gotton in to me but I like it.......... Maybe it's this, or shall I say him hehe no pun intended.here ut is the cute asshole,Daniel the bad boy...hehe

Dont' ask. Just know that it makes sense to me. Live on the LEFT SIDE.

2004-04-18T01:45:00.000-07:00

I was leaving home at about 5am and tying up loose ends before I leave.and a fairly busy evening double-checking my packing, burning MP3 CDs and farewell!!so I probably won't be LJ-ing much between now and then. I'll be mostly off LJ until I get back, and won't be reading e-mail either while I'm in the US.This means I'm going to be pretty much out of contact until I get back on 1May. My mobile should work in the States, although network coverage is a bit sproadic in The Rockies and Death Valley. Text messaging is therefore probably the best way to get hold of me unless it's very urgent. My partners and Travis have a copy of my itinerary (with hotel phone numbers) if you need to get hold of me in a hurry...

This Friday, Club Deep NYC , 9:00pm , cover charge $10 each. Roger and I are going - anyone else want to join us? lol

this week has been really fun! went to town and bournemouth with Jen and much fun was had!! we laughed a lot! Laurens party thing was really fun as well. although cant wait to see her on Thursday arvo to discuss what the hell Mike was going on about! Me, Lauren, J and Claire got real excited about Reading! wooooohooo! yay! exciting!
so lots of fun stuff went down but im far too lazy to write about it! sorry!

But anyway I do have a dilema...

Ok I really like someone more than J, or at least I think I do,so crazy!! Sometimes he comes out with things and I think he's a bit of an asshole. but then ya know, we have a lot in common and he seems really sweet. But ack I dunno. sometimes I really get the impression that he's flirting with me, and other times not at all. its all very confusing. anyway back to the main point. he used to go out with someone else.I just dont know what to do.I think its proberly all in my head anyway. Last night we were closing and he asked me to work on his film with him suring the summer in Paris, which would be rad coz I really should start building up my portfolio IN GERMAN (thats the point) with practical stuff as well as screenplays/scripts and stuff. so we'll see. ack life eh? bloody hell!Parker has started humping things alot. It's strange, we're going to have to get him neutered soon. Yesterday he was acutally humping my arm for a long time, Dustin thought it was gross..i don't know, if i was horny and someone just kept pushing me off it'd make me mad so i just let him do it. I'm not sure if i should or not, i might look that up. Does anyone know what to do? i caught you in a moment of misery, and i tried my best, i really did, to give you my hand so you could escape it. i offer you my hand and my heart, so that you'll never feel that pain again. it's all okay when they think you're joking. but like you said, i pegged it. i know you more than you think. i know where you hurt, and that you're not just passing off a joke to the masses. i know you're in a bad spot. i'll try to make it better for you.i'm home in a week. ;-)

2004-04-17T18:19:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the
perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman survived.
She's the only one who really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus
and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this
illustrates another point: women never listen either:-)

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps

Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

I talked to Steve online...haven't done that in a really really long time. He was being cryptic about Melissa...so that aggravated me more, and he was telling me not to whine about immature little kids...and blah blah blah. I was like yeah well I'm going now...need myself to sleep..

2004-04-16T22:52:00.000-07:00

Liebe ist ...

Welche Liebe ist die Liebe, die eine wahre Liebe ist? Ist sie nur ein vorĂźbergehendes GefĂźhl?

Ja, ist Liebe nur ein GefĂźhl, das mit der Zeit stirbt? Kann eine Liebe Ăźberhaupt sterben oder lĂ¤sst man sie sterben?

Vielleicht stirbt einfach jede Liebe mit der Zeit. Vielleicht ist Liebe einfach nicht fĂźr eine Ewigkeit gemacht. Wahrscheinlich aber gibt es viele Arten von Liebe. Die Liebe, die man Eltern und Kindern entgegenbringt, sie stirbt nie. Nur in manchen Abschnitten des Lebens empfindet man sie weniger. Sie ruht dann, um in bestimmten Augenblicken wieder neu zu entflammen. Diese Liebe ist eine Liebe, die dem Sein und dem inneren Ich mitgegeben wird. Sie kann man nicht zerstĂśren und auch nie vergessen. Diese Liebe gehĂśrt zu einem selbst. Sie ist wie man selbst, man kann sie nicht verdrĂ¤ngen und sie auch nicht vergessen. Dies wĂźrde bedeuten, sich selbst vergessen zu wollen.

Was ist aber mit der anderen Liebe?

Ich meine jene Liebe, die nicht mit dem eigenen Ich verbunden ist. Diese Liebe zu definieren erscheint mir sehr schwer. Wo setzt man Trennungen und Unterschiede, ja, wo fĂ¤ngt diese Liebe an eine wahre Liebe zu werden?

Sind nicht alle positiven GefĂźhle, die man einem anderen Menschen gegenĂźber empfindet, Liebe?

Liebe ist ein Sammelbegriff fĂźr alle menschlichen GefĂźhle. Von sexueller Anziehung bis hin zur NĂ¤chstenliebe. Liebe ist das Gegenteil von Hass. Hass tĂśtet auf Dauer das Sein des Menschen. Liebe entfaltet, ja mobilisiert den Menschen. Hass und Liebe liegen dicht beieinander. Oft merken es die Menschen gar nicht, dass aus ihrer Liebe Hass geworden ist. Liebe und Hass haben etwas gemeinsam: man kann nicht ohne sie, aber auch oft nicht mit ihnen leben.
Liebe ist das BemĂźhen eine geliebte Person glĂźcklich zu machen. Ohne sich in diesem BemĂźhen eigener Interessen bewusst zu sein.

Aber welche Liebe macht einen selbst glĂźcklich? Gibt es Ăźberhaupt eine Liebe, die glĂźcklich macht? Bedeutet die Liebe nicht immer nur Schmerz, Kummer und letzten Endes noch mehr Einsamkeit?

Viele Fragen, auf die wohl niemand eine Antwort hat.

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under the rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do Not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized!" Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh, you're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could just see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey, cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

2004-04-16T00:08:00.000-07:00

Things i hate about YOU!

1. the fact that you keep delaying my damn pay. it's such a miserable amount so why can't you bank in fast ya? now i am so screwed. its all your fault. sucker.

2. YOU seem to know everything. my UPs and DOWNs. why don't you just tell me what exactly you know ya? I know you CARE, and that actually makes me guilty.

3. YOU seem to move on real fast. like a rocket. Like nothing had actually happen. Sucks.

4. YOU always giving me the sleepy tone. Like hello? it's so rude ya know! sucker.

5. YOU expect me to spend it with you. i've got my freedom ya? So why can't you understand that i have the rights to do what i want. Why should i report to you?

6. YOU telling me nonsense. things that actually flatter me. Stop flirting with me. sucks.

7. Stop askin me about my academic grades. I've got a life other than that. Concern in other areas please.

8. For not giving me enough money. enough said.

9. your insenstitive. and thinking that everything will be fine no matter how bad it is now. Hey i know that things will turn out fine eventually, but hello? im upset, so maybe you can try saying something more encourgaging. if not, just shut the fuck ya?

10. YOU, the one in the mirror, pretending everything's fine. nothing's wrong. Why don't you just show it out. show out how u feel exactly. there's no need for pretendence. bitch.

Memories are like pictures...over time they fade. I really don't know what to say...I'm in a hard place in my life right now. I've gone through enough stress, thoughts, and fuck ups within the last two months than I ever have the last two years. Yeah, I am fucking up things for everyone. Yeah, it's not fun when your prescribed antidepressants, and having your whole family go to councilling due to how I fucked up. It's not fun when your parents call the cops on you and you feel as if there's nowhere to run. It's great when my friends ignore me, and tell me how much of a fuck up I've become and how I wreck their lives. I won't get any further into that. It doesn't matter, I'm writing this as a reflection of thoughts, so maybe I can look back on this to remind myself of my mistakes.

I've been more stressed out, than I ever have been in my life. I've gotten to the point where I'm almost having a nervous breakdown, snapping on everyone and everything that annoys me. Call me sensitive, but I guess I am, especially when everything seems to bother me...in retrospect, I was praised for being sensitive to others, now when I want to speak MY feelings and my thoughts, I get shot down and blamed. In my opinion, it's a curse, but slowly day by day, it's going to be killed off. I'm just going to not give a shit, years pass, people won't even recognize me, I'll be twisted and warped due to people using me. I'm sorry, don't say I'm great, and don't complement me. It doesn't matter, once you figure me out, your going to treat me like shit too. Sorry I wasn't what you expected or really what you wanted, but I can only be myself. If you don't like what I've become to you, blame yourself for thinking that way. I'm not saying it's not my fault, I reacted negatively with everyone, because it's gotten to the point where I just want to return the favour. I'm slipping away, even from my closest friends. I want to run away from my family. I just don't want to cause problems for anyone anymore, I can't help anymore, I can't solve anything, I'm just fucking up everyones' lives. Don't assume anything by the way I act or talk. I don't expect everyone to give a damn about me, I never was like that. But it's sad when the friends I help turn their backs on me, and blame me for their problems. Am I helping or wrecking your lives? Make up your mind. If you think your happy for being who you are, that's great. It's sickened me everyday to be who I am for years now...

I've helped others and gave my concern freely so that I may actually feel like I made a difference in someone's life. I've realised recently that that was worth shit. All of it. It doesn't even matter anymore. I've fucked up other people's lives more than I've helped them.

Are you getting the idea now? Good... Nobody is really here for me. Yes, I know some show concern, but what help is that to me now? Did it stop me from feeling this way? No. I'm just pushing everyone away, just like they have to me. Yes, I've been told everyone cares about me, and that blah blah this and blah blah that. Well look, as I see it, you just don't want to lose me as your good good friend that always looked after you and helped you out with your problems. That's IT. I'm not just someone to be used, I'm not your puppet that you can manipulate, I'm not fucking stupid. Don't be surprised with the way I have been lately, if you felt how I have been lately, you'd know too. Not that you care. I'm slowly changing...to what, I do not know. Nobody seems to like it, but what the fuck do I care anymore? I'm not the shy little boy I was once before, there for everyone and all glad because I felt like I was actually doing something right. Wrong. The reality is this, I was used, everyone dumps their problems on me, expects me to be the nice guy, tell you how to fix the problem and make you feel better.

It's too late to fix anything now really, I just have to go on and do what I can. Just don't expect me to give a shit when you disrespect me. Sorry, I'm not going to do what you say, I have my own ambitions, as arrogant as that sounds, I just don't care. I suppose I "was" the nice guy, maybe I still am. It's things like these that cause nice guys to become assholes...if any girl reads this, maybe you can understand why any guy has treated you like shit. I'm done, It's late, and I don't really know what else to elaborate on. If you read this, fine. If you want to leave me notes to show concern, that's fine, if you want to leave notes telling me I'm wrong...well I'm sorry, this is how I feel. Words won't change my mind anymore, I won't get manipulated into thinking it's all my fault. Write how you feel, that's what I just did. Goodnight. Daniel. previous entry : Your life is....|Out Of Order| Notes from readers : This entry accepts SAFE NOTES. You must sign into the system by unlocking your own diary before posting notes to this diary. I'm sorry your life feels like shit right now. Genuinely, sorry. But maybe that's cuz I'm one of those sympathy criers. *half-smiles* If you ever wanna talk, come visit. I might be on Private for a bit cuz this guy was pestering me, but I'll be back to regular soon. [sky_blue] damnation, I just left you a note and it appears it didn't show up. maybe it will. who knows. blah. and i was being nice too...i think.

2004-04-15T21:41:00.000-07:00

Roger is soo sexy recently... I WANT HIM,JK!! sorry for that outburst... Yuri asked me who i would spend time with if i only had an hour left on earth...
I would spend it with someone I love I guess, maybe take some stuff from him... he knows what im talkin about :D... BUT, if we didnt do that... We would ride around on my harley and i would give him a tat... all in an hour. EXCITING!! YAY!! ANyway... sorry my entries are short... i just dont get to this site much lately...but i'd inform you.. yeah.. please do never letting go everything that you are. Is everything that I am. Now that you are gone. I only have the memories that we made. Those memories will always be treasured deep within. Baby now that you are gone. I know that you are in Heaven watching over and guiding me. My Guardian Angel is an Angel now. You will always be here in my heart. Never letting go. Never looking back. Always looking forward. To the Future and beyond. I love you. I will always love you.

Male/Female Dictionary
WANTS AND NEEDS (wontz and nedz) n.
Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
Male: Food, sex and beer.

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n.
Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: The organ of mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything with one ball, two beers, or three stooges.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v.
Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad prior to tossing it out.

2004-04-13T18:15:00.000-07:00

Make an effort to connect with someone you miss today, CRAZY4YA. Even if it feels painful at the start, chances are you'll feel a lot better after. Pick up the phone, write a letter, or send an e-mail. Let them know that you miss them and care about them. Expressing yourself is often far better than stuffing your feelings, regardless of the circumstances. They may, after all, be missing you just as much.

Yep, that's my horoscope for the day. So here goes, I miss You!! Yes, YOU! I said YOU. Ya it's YOU YOU YOU!........No, it's NOT you, PLS don't think im missing you. Oh PLS...i repeat im NOT missing YOU. I miss YOU, not YOU. Ya Ya, it's YOU. NO no its NOT you! Why can't you get it? The person i miss is NOt you, but...YOU!

2004-04-03T01:37:00.000-08:00

Sex the drug and the enemy! I donât care what any one says sex is a drug once you had it you want it more and more and no this isnât one sided cause I know plunty or guys that want to have sex more and more often as just like male prostitutes do which is just plain scarey! But thatâs not the point the point is that one time or anther ever one in this cruel world has wanted to had or will have sex! It is a drug it affect the hormones and the chemicals in the brain! The fact is people have sex for many reasons they have sex cause their horny, cause their friends and ever one they know have had or are having it! People do it for fun to relive stress cause their in love! People do it for money for comfort for a lot of reasons! The thing is that both sexes wanted but very few admit it why not just come out and say it tell your girlfriend hey yeah I want to do something or your boyfriend hey you want to have sex hey the worst their going to say is no but some of the time most of the time the answer will probably be yes! There is nothing wrong with casual sex and sex for fun just make sure that if you have it your safe about it and you consider each others feelings and then the world will have more and better sex! And one more damn thing there is nothing wrong with trying new things when it comes to sex it will spice up a marriage, make it more satisfying and keep both partners guessing! The only thing I can say now is donât sell for play short believe me itâs the best for both of you and hey their ainât nothing wrong with cuddling! These are some of the things that make sex worth wild so go out their and have fun if you want to just be responsible about it ok!!!

those letters bellow are from my loving friend,Kersten !!

he'll see how much I love him for the treasure he gave me and still keep in contact with him now through pictures,letters and we both are gonna see eachother in berlin this year!cool eh...!!

2004-03-30T04:18:00.000-08:00

the ~~PAST~~buddy is coming back.

So I know it's been a while, I mean like ages. Much has happened since I last came on here to write. Met up with Cally for drink today.i havent seen him in a long time and it was nice to catch up.How do I know him? Well again, another OUT person and I think one of the first people I linked friends with..I liked him alot,I dont know what is all about.I just can't find a word I like for him.well...jorge and i hung out in the morning right before I meet up with cally that night. we made appointments and walked all over myungdong street. i missed him so much.we watched down WITH love. Pretty interesting show, it's actually quite different from the typical romance comedies. I thought the movie was speakin to me and telling me certain things. Well, i kinda got into some thinkings after watchin it. Anyway, this show is recommended!well i miss Danilo too. i keep trying to call him and i cant get ahold of him. my day isnt fulfilled without hearing his voice.*sobbing*

something from the past is coming back. for those who cares about me, don't worry, im fine. Man, it's been AGES since i saw cally,and it was our second time seeing eachother after completely finished high school. actually lost contact with him for long periods of time so i personally had been thinking that I will probably never have any expectations that have a Rendezvousc with him,ever!but that wasnt true,we eventually getting together in the first place...I was so glad at first that I hung out the night with him again!!he instantly appeared ,came to my sight,looked like he grew up to be an adult.he looked less like the boy I've known since highschool.I walked slowly up to his side and hugged him. he was something in my mind.Now we're two about 20 year-old "adults" with very little to talk about to each other.no phone calls,no emails. I used to tell him everything from the usual to some very deep thoughts.During June of 2001, him and I were very close...although the majority of my other friends didn't approve of him.they thought he was sorta virtual friend who could never have any responsible for anything-a breakable bond-this does mean that sometimes the more important material.who cares!I can't get over that no matter how much I try. I used to tell him everything, absolutely everything.at least I thought that I did no matter how small of a detail it was or how completely insignificant it was I told him about it. I do miss that.

well I had consumed a bottle of corona and about 3.4..5... glasses of vodka absolute ,like 1/2 of the bottle.I was just like hooked on a feeling which was going way up high.I have been consequently flustered all night long and can't think straight were the cause of that .I usually get high on a mere glass of wine.so thats maybe I drank it a little bit too fast and I took a drop damn much. loaded for bear going into trouble.it was not a good idea.I was like agreeable to his offering to start using shot glasses so i did.after then 1/2 orange juice to a cup of 1/2 Vodka .mixed well together and drank it up at once.but still bitter.could I monitor my intake after drinking? ha, it was funny in this sick kind of way. i was already somewhat drunk so i kind of spaced out and was thinking that it was water and i like downed the whole glass. i almost passed out. yea, fun.couldnt manage to walk a bit further. I felt a failure if i couldnt handle that.dizzy babe!!he drank a little much more than I did but hey,he is a social/hardcore drinker and he can drink.but I dont.I could never be compared to him.DO NOT think I can be a drinking partner for you baby.coz you should take good care of me after together with plenty to drink.no fun.It's BIG BOTHER.however I got so awfully angry with myself even cally helped me out a little walking down the street.just felt not good about it!!I now know my limited capacity of drinking so I promise I wont drink up like that again with anyone,anytime anywhere simply anymore!...poor me,I just suck with drinking;-(

I hardly remember the conversation i had with actually.but I do remember we sat down somewhere nearby or just next to the DJ booth at a bar with cozy atmosphere, drinking a little,while he was ringing someone,I was talking over the phone with sergey afterwards we held the conversation even it turned into an interview thing tho.he asked me whether I believe in destiny or not and what else?nothing?...i dunno whatelse but he said he does believe in it and I just said :"fifty fifty".I generally do think so too but im not entirely convince myself of it.destiny is not a matter of chance.it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.go over your destiny!!!

I showed him my belly botton pierced and he showed the tattooed on his upper left heart to me.he said that it is something in a Chinese character but I didnt think so.it wasnt a chinese symbol or letter but it was really cute...I had always wanted to get a tattoo too.I could just never figure out what I wanted and where to put the thing. For almost two years I tossed around the idea of getting a koi put on my back somewhere, but I just wasn't very sure of that. I put the desire to get one on the backburner for a while because, well, number one I was too young at the time, and number two you can't get tattoos where I am from. You have to fly into the states to get them, and that wasn't an option at the time.After I became of legal age, I moved to new york state for a short while, and the opportunity was on every corner it seemed. All I had to do was pick something and stick with it long enough so I knew I liked it. I started to explore the different studios, talk to the artists and all that jazz. I found a friend in one of my classes that was also interested and we explored together. I helped her find the one that she eventually got, and then I dismissed the tattoos I had thought about before.just let me forget any excruciating pain, one day in the near future I'd get a butterfly on the lawer belly and a flower for the ankle.

I am not supposed to write a whole thing on here and blah .ah, there's so much to write about tho. but, i don't really want to.let's just say this...last night was novelty.everything was hella shit playful.even I was glad to being with him but then I realized that i was hella starting to fall for him.I feel awkward and perfucktly shame in it. S-H-I-T...!!He confused me! everything would seem just fine with us, but this sucks.u know he told me all the sweet stuff and such.sadly I have heard this guy talk about me to somebody and lavel me nuna in the know but he never even call me nuna.;-( ...last night was the first time that i've actually said to myself., "so this is what it is. this is how it feels. this is what ami is supposed to be."it sounds so stupid, but it took so much to resist just saying that i'm falling in love with him right moment. i'm just so happy right now. things are great so far. they're not complicated.i do find myself being hurt by the things that used to hurt me. i know how he feels about me. i know that he doesnt cares about me and i know that when he kisses me it's just a meaningless kiss.it seemed we both stiring resemble eachother in emotions,he had not really forced me to do it although he didnt ask what my thoughts or intentions are neverthless,it was taken over anyway.what a fool!!I would actually not even care for it.there's just so much i want to say, but so much that i can't put in to words. i say this a lot,i'm so utterly unhappy right now and it feels worse than i ever could've imagined.I felt really awkward to be around him afterwards which really wasnt' worth it.but he was like no biggie,had fun!!I was really stupid not saying anything...really *weird* have you ever done anything Really,Really stupid?somebody help me how to control emotions,ahh!poor baby!!I cant believe how could I be arsed doing about it?I had hoped it really wouldnt change much but...now for something completely different from yesterday.Deep down, technically, he was just a fuck buddy...The emotion was fully there, but the title was only present when we can see each other. I dont like it anymore. Whats the damn difference? we ACTed like we were together---but we were NOT! In reality, i was being stupid and probably blind. honestly 90% of my friends are guys(dont get jealous coz I hate to break it to ya ;-0) dont get me wrong I dont think the idea of being able to check out other guys is fine to me yet my male friends are only really friends due to the fact we sharing a time of loving through kissing.dont fooling around!ha..well Deep down, is there someone else? Maybe some other guys in particular.including my god damn super boyfriend Justin as my long-distance lover (totally sick of it already).but he is always make me feel the sweetest beauty in this whole world. i think i've finally realized how it should be, being with someone. it should be complicated, it shouldn't involve jealousy and revenge and abuse and manipulation.btw cally wasnt seriously looking for a soul mate but anyone up for a one night stand!thats it.I just wanted to make myself feel good at first I did but then it started to hurt after knowing that I was one of his users.he relieves his sexual feeling to pleasure in the impulse of that moment.be true to myself I was feeling so sweet,i thought everything got much better and the result is "Heart Break." .well I got some friends in sydney, Australia who know him in person consider him to be a rather being loud,jazz and usually in a playfully naughty, flirty mood.etc.I knew indirectly of his bad behaviors,personalities even his likes and dislikes since getting connected for sharing the faith with those friends.I wouldnt believe what they said to me.its not too bad knowing that and as best as I've been informed him.he asked once what are the names of those real life friends we're sharing together ~~still i keep my mouth shut~~. I couldnt tell coz they wont me to do so.as it from the name initials are M,R,S and J and guess it was alright!!certainly he was led me into temptation.i was so fuckin' giddy it's ridiculous.I was a little nervours,ashamed,worried about things happend. from the bottom of my heart I really do not want to lose him because I do know that he is a good guy at heart and he can be quite nice,either. is that the case I mean it.It is true, but ironically I dont want him to be my buddy because I said so. I want it on his terms too. I dont know. I cant sleep. I keep asking myself though, whats the difference? Ugh..emotional moment...betta quit...

*sighz*sooooooooooooooooooo tired.

sooooooo sick of pain.of my friends hurting and i cant do anything about it!!i hate it i feel so helpless so naivee.*stares out into space*why cant everything be normal.the same.why cant people who love one another just be together and not be afiard to goddamn feel?to care?why cant best friends be bestfriends who share everything.but all they do is hide everything.why do we have to kill ourselves by caring?i mean if it hurts so much why do we keep on loving?caring?because it's what gets a though.it helps us.it makes a stronger but yet those are all lies.i wanna be cared about by not just friends...i mean everyone says i love you like as in joking ways and meaning it. it saying i love you so easy to say and mean something else or to hide the truth about how you feel so you say i love you but really you meant to say i hate you get the fuck away from me.?when i say it i mean it.like to my best friends epsecailly and family.i have a 5 crosses on my legs.and a place where i just ran the blade over and over that hurt like hell.i'm so lonely.even I got the nice guy-juju tho. i hate it.i see other people making out holding hands saying i love you and i just wanna run up to them and smack em.i see the guys i like being with othjer girls and that hurts...like hell.jake with jessica,joe with tiffany,travis with sheree.and i wanna puke.its like thanks for rubbing it in.that makes me feel a hell of alot better.its like a mother telling her daughter that the daughter is worthless an embarressment just coz the daughter is different in some way big or small.and the 7 years later the daughter doesnt talk to his mother coz of what the guys been saying for years.or its like cutting yourself then screaming at the sight of blood you know its coming to the surface or you buruning skin but yet you hold back.Smiling but crying inside.emptysmile.lost eyes. so many wonderful people in my life.

so many wonderful things. i definitly have nothing to complain about but losing a friend.I've already lost my best friend,Josh and my ex. I really get an unpleasant sensation in a way I hate the most.me and cally, we both really appear to be similar to eachother outwardly and somewhat innerly.I thought he could trustworthly be my soul mate and he did say so.but I don't want to pretend that nothing really happend between me and him.I thought he was a friend of mine but I was wrong he tried to fit into the arms where I belong he moved right in, behind my back. Everyone knows friends don't do.Friends don't do what he does ,there's no excuse I'm so confused. I thought he cared about me but now I see All he cares 'bout is only himself.....I know how to Good-to-be-friends are people that come together as friends, but in time, we grow and love as family. When I say family I do mean friends becoming family. We get together, we hang out, we party together, eat together, just have a good time together, just as family should.its good to have good friends even a whole lot better than anything, but its sad when u know we cant be friends any more.YOU SHOULD KNOW THE LINE BTN FRIENDS AND PARTNER SHOULD BE CLEAR ENOUGH TO PREVENT ANY NASTY INCIDENTS. i WOULD'N DO THAT COS i'M HAPPILY ENJOYING THE ONE I HAVE I dont think I can be a dancing partner or a fuckbuddy or anything just to have fun at night with.just cant face him any more.Let's say you're a young man or a young woman and you know how God wants you to behave with the opposite sex. Now suppose someone of the opposite sex who doesn't share your same conviction about that accepts you just the way you are they understand you they listen to you they say they love you they say they respect you What happens when in the course of that relationship, he or she influences you to cross a physical line? Here's the truth: When we feel like a friend accepts and understands us,we are more likely to be influenced by them,now--- even if it's not a positive influence.I've learnt it by now..I know why I have so many guy friends..they plan on gettin me in bed...hmmm.my best buddy tina told me that she did once with her guy friend..he was shitty n stuff, and basically ruined his sex life as she spreaded *evil*...you nasty boys.do not have sex with every girl you see.or you will pay a heavy price!!you should know that there is every sin brings its punishment with it.For love and peace!!

Travis said i sound like a ghetto girl, a valley girl, and a new yorker. he says i have too many accents.leigh...its one am and i want to call you. call me :] ok then can somebody tell me if the reddish brown light that doesn't twinkle which is near the moon, is MARS? or isit some satellite? oh just to warn you peeps. Don't download from kazaa! Melvinkor's friend got fine 32k for it! man, that's so harsh!! so guys, be careful. u never know who's spying on you...

2004-03-20T02:12:00.000-08:00

There's not anything going on this weekend but my mom gets her tax money in and I'M GOIN SHOPPIN'! I can't wait. it's been so long since I've been shopping with my mama. and i'm getting my xxXX stuff ...lol, and all that good stuff. I'm so excited! i just had to share all that info with you . you may not be as excited as i am but I'm pretty happy!!!! wish me luck on finding some cute clothes. and another thing about Aubrey. i know he's mad at me but what can i do. I mean i know we are both stupid for getting back together but we "think" we're still best friends eachother what else is there to do but be together. We haven't fought at all since we started talking again, but that could all change you never know! well thanks for being there for me even though i can be a pain sometimes, he always sticks in there for me. Thanks a bunch, i'll keep you informed lol ttyl ~aarlena~ ps : dont think like what my mom or my boyfriend has...they're both still calling me a BABY....lol...you know my boyfriend is even couple years younger than myself!!!! haha...sweet babe!!

2004-03-19T20:49:00.000-08:00

Justin came here yesterday...god a half year have felt like forever. These past few months have been so stressful, me and Justin trying our hardest not to get pissed off at eachother hast really worked too well. I mean I guess they were only little arguments, but it sucked not be able to work things out fully because we didnt want to discuss it over the phone. All I know is that the worst of all the days will be. He landed at 11 and I had to be in institute by myself :I couldnt wait to be in his arms again. I wanted to smother him in kisses ; ) Today we went to gang-nam for this big music concert thing, it was kool, but I wasnt feeling that great the whole day so I could of enjoyed myself more, but oh well. We walked through myong-dong for a bit and he bought me a gold-ear-rings and a kittyI mean,yes I mean a real tomcat..,lol!!!!..........great another thing that I have to remember to take care of (rolls eyes) but it's so adorable : D On Thursday Justin informed me that he got my "other gift today" and he refuses to tell me what it is. I really wanna know!!!! Me, Rose, and Lian spet all of Thursday night trying to con Justin into giving us hints, but we still didn't guess it. Well, we probabaly did, but he wouldn't tell us if we did. Then, today, when I called him he told me he got me something else as well. Did he tell me what that was???? NO!!!! Oh well, even though it drives me crazy I'll just wait till he gets home tomorrow....sigh......tomorrow. The party it this week something to kinda look foward, allthoguh Justin's arrival beats all things to look foward to hehe. But anyway there's the party and Juju's events on Friday. I have an away belly dance on Friday, so hopefully I wont be late, but I guess I'll be going now... I shall await Justin's call.........