the PASTbuddy is coming back.

So I know it's been a while, I mean like ages. Much has happened since I last came on here to write. Met up with Cally for drink today.i havent seen him in a long time and it was nice to catch up.How do I know him? Well again, another OUT person and I think one of the first people I linked friends with..I liked him alot,I dont know what is all about.I just can't find a word I like for him.well...jorge and i hung out in the morning right before I meet up with cally that night. we made appointments and walked all over myungdong street. i missed him so much.we watched down WITH love. Pretty interesting show, it's actually quite different from the typical romance comedies. I thought the movie was speakin to me and telling me certain things. Well, i kinda got into some thinkings after watchin it. Anyway, this show is recommended!well i miss Danilo too. i keep trying to call him and i cant get ahold of him. my day isnt fulfilled without hearing his voice.*sobbing*

something from the past is coming back. for those who cares about me, don't worry, im fine. Man, it's been AGES since i saw cally,and it was our second time seeing eachother after completely finished high school. actually lost contact with him for long periods of time so i personally had been thinking that I will probably never have any expectations that have a Rendezvousc with him,ever!but that wasnt true,we eventually getting together in the first place...I was so glad at first that I hung out the night with him again!!he instantly appeared ,came to my sight,looked like he grew up to be an adult.he looked less like the boy I've known since highschool.I walked slowly up to his side and hugged him. he was something in my mind.Now we're two about 20 year-old "adults" with very little to talk about to each other.no phone calls,no emails. I used to tell him everything from the usual to some very deep thoughts.During June of 2001, him and I were very close...although the majority of my other friends didn't approve of him.they thought he was sorta virtual friend who could never have any responsible for anything-a breakable bond-this does mean that sometimes the more important material.who cares!I can't get over that no matter how much I try. I used to tell him everything, absolutely everything.at least I thought that I did no matter how small of a detail it was or how completely insignificant it was I told him about it. I do miss that.

well I had consumed a bottle of corona and about 3.4..5... glasses of vodka absolute ,like 1/2 of the bottle.I was just like hooked on a feeling which was going way up high.I have been consequently flustered all night long and can't think straight were the cause of that .I usually get high on a mere glass of wine.so thats maybe I drank it a little bit too fast and I took a drop damn much. loaded for bear going into trouble.it was not a good idea.I was like agreeable to his offering to start using shot glasses so i did.after then 1/2 orange juice to a cup of 1/2 Vodka .mixed well together and drank it up at once.but still bitter.could I monitor my intake after drinking? ha, it was funny in this sick kind of way. i was already somewhat drunk so i kind of spaced out and was thinking that it was water and i like downed the whole glass. i almost passed out. yea, fun.couldnt manage to walk a bit further. I felt a failure if i couldnt handle that.dizzy babe!!he drank a little much more than I did but hey,he is a social/hardcore drinker and he can drink.but I dont.I could never be compared to him.DO NOT think I can be a drinking partner for you baby.coz you should take good care of me after together with plenty to drink.no fun.It's BIG BOTHER.however I got so awfully angry with myself even cally helped me out a little walking down the street.just felt not good about it!!I now know my limited capacity of drinking so I promise I wont drink up like that again with anyone,anytime anywhere simply anymore!...poor me,I just suck with drinking;-(

I hardly remember the conversation i had with actually.but I do remember we sat down somewhere nearby or just next to the DJ booth at a bar with cozy atmosphere, drinking a little,while he was ringing someone,I was talking over the phone with sergey afterwards we held the conversation even it turned into an interview thing tho.he asked me whether I believe in destiny or not and what else?nothing?...i dunno whatelse but he said he does believe in it and I just said :"fifty fifty".I generally do think so too but im not entirely convince myself of it.destiny is not a matter of chance.it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.go over your destiny!!!

I showed him my belly botton pierced and he showed the tattooed on his upper left heart to me.he said that it is something in a Chinese character but I didnt think so.it wasnt a chinese symbol or letter but it was really cute...I had always wanted to get a tattoo too.I could just never figure out what I wanted and where to put the thing. For almost two years I tossed around the idea of getting a koi put on my back somewhere, but I just wasn't very sure of that. I put the desire to get one on the backburner for a while because, well, number one I was too young at the time, and number two you can't get tattoos where I am from. You have to fly into the states to get them, and that wasn't an option at the time.After I became of legal age, I moved to new york state for a short while, and the opportunity was on every corner it seemed. All I had to do was pick something and stick with it long enough so I knew I liked it. I started to explore the different studios, talk to the artists and all that jazz. I found a friend in one of my classes that was also interested and we explored together. I helped her find the one that she eventually got, and then I dismissed the tattoos I had thought about before.just let me forget any excruciating pain, one day in the near future I'd get a butterfly on the lawer belly and a flower for the ankle.

I am not supposed to write a whole thing on here and blah .ah, there's so much to write about tho. but, i don't really want to.let's just say this...last night was novelty.everything was hella shit playful.even I was glad to being with him but then I realized that i was hella starting to fall for him.I feel awkward and perfucktly shame in it. S-H-I-T...!!He confused me! everything would seem just fine with us, but this sucks.u know he told me all the sweet stuff and such.sadly I have heard this guy talk about me to somebody and lavel me nuna in the know but he never even call me nuna.;-( ...last night was the first time that i've actually said to myself., "so this is what it is. this is how it feels. this is what ami is supposed to be."it sounds so stupid, but it took so much to resist just saying that i'm falling in love with him right moment. i'm just so happy right now. things are great so far. they're not complicated.i do find myself being hurt by the things that used to hurt me. i know how he feels about me. i know that he doesnt cares about me and i know that when he kisses me it's just a meaningless kiss.it seemed we both stiring resemble eachother in emotions,he had not really forced me to do it although he didnt ask what my thoughts or intentions are neverthless,it was taken over anyway.what a fool!!I would actually not even care for it.there's just so much i want to say, but so much that i can't put in to words. i say this a lot,i'm so utterly unhappy right now and it feels worse than i ever could've imagined.I felt really awkward to be around him afterwards which really wasnt' worth it.but he was like no biggie,had fun!!I was really stupid not saying anything...really *weird* have you ever done anything Really,Really stupid?somebody help me how to control emotions,ahh!poor baby!!I cant believe how could I be arsed doing about it?I had hoped it really wouldnt change much but...now for something completely different from yesterday.Deep down, technically, he was just a fuck buddy...The emotion was fully there, but the title was only present when we can see each other. I dont like it anymore. Whats the damn difference? we ACTed like we were together---but we were NOT! In reality, i was being stupid and probably blind. honestly 90% of my friends are guys(dont get jealous coz I hate to break it to ya ;-0) dont get me wrong I dont think the idea of being able to check out other guys is fine to me yet my male friends are only really friends due to the fact we sharing a time of loving through kissing.dont fooling around!ha..well Deep down, is there someone else? Maybe some other guys in particular.including my god damn super boyfriend Justin as my long-distance lover (totally sick of it already).but he is always make me feel the sweetest beauty in this whole world. i think i've finally realized how it should be, being with someone. it should be complicated, it shouldn't involve jealousy and revenge and abuse and manipulation.btw cally wasnt seriously looking for a soul mate but anyone up for a one night stand!thats it.I just wanted to make myself feel good at first I did but then it started to hurt after knowing that I was one of his users.he relieves his sexual feeling to pleasure in the impulse of that moment.be true to myself I was feeling so sweet,i thought everything got much better and the result is "Heart Break." .well I got some friends in sydney, Australia who know him in person consider him to be a rather being loud,jazz and usually in a playfully naughty, flirty mood.etc.I knew indirectly of his bad behaviors,personalities even his likes and dislikes since getting connected for sharing the faith with those friends.I wouldnt believe what they said to me.its not too bad knowing that and as best as I've been informed him.he asked once what are the names of those real life friends we're sharing together still i keep my mouth shut. I couldnt tell coz they wont me to do so.as it from the name initials are M,R,S and J and guess it was alright!!certainly he was led me into temptation.i was so fuckin' giddy it's ridiculous.I was a little nervours,ashamed,worried about things happend. from the bottom of my heart I really do not want to lose him because I do know that he is a good guy at heart and he can be quite nice,either. is that the case I mean it.It is true, but ironically I dont want him to be my buddy because I said so. I want it on his terms too. I dont know. I cant sleep. I keep asking myself though, whats the difference? Ugh..emotional moment...betta quit...

*sighz*sooooooooooooooooooo tired.

sooooooo sick of pain.of my friends hurting and i cant do anything about it!!i hate it i feel so helpless so naivee.*stares out into space*why cant everything be normal.the same.why cant people who love one another just be together and not be afiard to goddamn feel?to care?why cant best friends be bestfriends who share everything.but all they do is hide everything.why do we have to kill ourselves by caring?i mean if it hurts so much why do we keep on loving?caring?because it's what gets a though.it helps us.it makes a stronger but yet those are all lies.i wanna be cared about by not just friends...i mean everyone says i love you like as in joking ways and meaning it. it saying i love you so easy to say and mean something else or to hide the truth about how you feel so you say i love you but really you meant to say i hate you get the fuck away from me.?when i say it i mean it.like to my best friends epsecailly and family.i have a 5 crosses on my legs.and a place where i just ran the blade over and over that hurt like hell.i'm so lonely.even I got the nice guy-juju tho. i hate it.i see other people making out holding hands saying i love you and i just wanna run up to them and smack em.i see the guys i like being with othjer girls and that hurts...like hell.jake with jessica,joe with tiffany,travis with sheree.and i wanna puke.its like thanks for rubbing it in.that makes me feel a hell of alot better.its like a mother telling her daughter that the daughter is worthless an embarressment just coz the daughter is different in some way big or small.and the 7 years later the daughter doesnt talk to his mother coz of what the guys been saying for years.or its like cutting yourself then screaming at the sight of blood you know its coming to the surface or you buruning skin but yet you hold back.Smiling but crying inside.emptysmile.lost eyes. so many wonderful people in my life.

Travis said i sound like a ghetto girl, a valley girl, and a new yorker. he says i have too many accents.leigh...its one am and i want to call you. call me :] ok then can somebody tell me if the reddish brown light that doesn't twinkle which is near the moon, is MARS? or isit some satellite? oh just to warn you peeps. Don't download from kazaa! Melvinkor's friend got fine 32k for it! man, that's so harsh!! so guys, be careful. u never know who's spying on you...

There's not anything going on this weekend but my mom gets her tax money in and I'M GOIN SHOPPIN'! I can't wait. it's been so long since I've been shopping with my mama. and i'm getting my xxXX stuff ...lol, and all that good stuff. I'm so excited! i just had to share all that info with you . you may not be as excited as i am but I'm pretty happy!!!! wish me luck on finding some cute clothes. and another thing about Aubrey. i know he's mad at me but what can i do. I mean i know we are both stupid for getting back together but we "think" we're still best friends eachother what else is there to do but be together. We haven't fought at all since we started talking again, but that could all change you never know! well thanks for being there for me even though i can be a pain sometimes, he always sticks in there for me. Thanks a bunch, i'll keep you informed lol ttyl ~aarlena~ ps : dont think like what my mom or my boyfriend has...they're both still calling me a BABY....lol...you know my boyfriend is even couple years younger than myself!!!! haha...sweet babe!!